How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser?

What Does People-Pleasing Mean?

To be a people pleaser is to prioritise the wants and needs of others before one's own. People who are people pleasers are typically kind, kind, and easy to get along with. They are also highly attuned to the needs of those around them. People who are skilled at making others happy, however, may find it difficult to advocate for their own needs, which can result in unhealthy patterns of self-abuse. Those who are adept at winning the approval of others may struggle with this. Sociology, the study of the feeling of being too concerned with pleasing other people and winning their favour in order to sustain relationships, is related to people-pleasing. For the sake of keeping friendships and romantic partnerships alive, it's common to worry excessively about how others perceive you. Possible mental health problems that could be reflected in such conduct include, but are not limited to:

• Evidences of nervousness and/or melancholy
• Affective Disorders: Avoidant
• Disturbance in the borderline personality (BPD)
• Dependent personality disorder, often known as codependency,

Signs You Might Be A People-Pleaser

Impression-seekers tend to share a few basic traits. Some of these signs suggest that you may have a propensity to try to please other people:

• Your inability to make up your mind and say "no" often causes problems.
• To put it bluntly, you have an unhealthy preoccupation with the feelings and judgments of others.
• One feels bad about themselves when they have to turn down requests from others.
• You're afraid that people will judge you harshly or think you only care about yourself if you have to say no to them.
• You either agree to things you don't like doing or do things you don't want to do.
• Feelings of low self-worth are difficult for you to overcome.
• Your goal in life is to be liked by others, and you think you can achieve this by helping others around you.
• You make a habit of saying "I'm sorry" to other people.
• Though it was never your fault, you constantly take the blame.
• You never seem to have any downtime because you're always putting forth effort for other people.
• In order to aid others, you prioritise their requirements before your own.
• You pretend to agree with other people when in fact you feel very differently within.

Others who are skilled at making others happy often have a keen insight into the feelings of those around them. They also often show signs of sympathy, consideration, and concern for others. But alas, with such great potential comes the risk of developing a poor sense of self, an unhealthy obsession with succeeding at all costs, or other such undesirable traits.

Some may call you selfless if you put the happiness of others ahead of your own. If you have a tendency to put other people's needs before your own, you may find that you are constantly running on empty and experiencing high levels of stress.

Causes

It is crucial that you have a thorough comprehension of the potential causes of your current behaviour. Several factors, such as:

• Because they don't value themselves, people with low self-esteem may engage in actions that are intended to make those around them happy. They may have low levels of confidence and think that by helping others they will be accepted by society.
• Insecurities: People may go out of their way to make others happy because they're afraid they won't be liked if they don't. Because of this, people may sacrifice their own happiness in order to make those around them happy.
• One symptom of perfectionism is an inability to accept anything other than their ideal state of affairs, and this includes other people's emotions and thoughts.
• Instances from the Past: Some people may also be affected by terrible, difficult, or traumatic experiences in their past. In attempt to prevent others from acting abusively, victims of abuse may try to satisfy others and be as kind as possible.

An act of altruism can be defined as the motivation to help others. A person may, for instance, really wish to ensure that those in need of help actually receive it. Seeking other people's acceptance or favour can be a way to boost one's own sense of worth and strengthen friendships in specific situations. By keeping them content, we may convince them of their worth and usefulness.

The Repercussions Of Constantly Trying To Satisfy Others

Making other people happy isn't necessarily a negative thing to do. On the other hand, maintaining strong relationships with the people you care about requires you to be a concerned and kind person. However, this becomes problematic if you are seeking acceptance to boost poor self-esteem or if you are prioritising the happiness of others over your own emotional well-being. These are both actions that endanger your own mental health.  See our list of available Rehabilitation Programmes to help you make an informed decision for your treatment.

Spending your life striving to make other people happy and get their favour can have many unintended consequences, such as those mentioned above.

Anger And Frustration

Frustration is practically guaranteed when tasks are completed with reluctance or out of a sense of obligation. This is the case even if you enjoy helping others. The cycle of helping another person, feeling resentful that they exploited your goodwill, and then feeling guilty or sad about yourself can be perpetuated by these feelings. One study found that people with a high need to please others also had a higher propensity to overeat when they are among others.

Anxiety And Stressful Situations

Putting in extra effort to make other people happy can be exhausting on your mental and physical health. Furthermore, trying to maintain a healthy balance can leave you feeling stressed and anxious. Giving back to the community can do wonders for a person's emotional well-being. However, you run the risk of allowing stress to negatively impact your physical health if you don't take time for yourself.

Willpower That Has Been Depleted

You will find it much harder to generate the desire and drive necessary to achieve your own goals if you spend all of your time, energy, and mental resources making sure that other people are happy.

Some studies suggest that self-control and willpower are limited resources. When you put forth a lot of effort to ensure that other people have what they want or need, you may not have much left over to go towards your own needs.

Lack Of Genuineness Or Authenticity

Many people who are prone to pleasing others will hide their own needs and wants so that they can better cater to those of those around them. It could make you feel like you're not enjoying your life to the fullest, and maybe even that you don't know who you are. Hiding your true feelings from others makes it harder for them to get to know you. While honesty is vital in forming bonds with others, it serves no purpose to be completely open and honest with the person you're seeing.

Poor Interpersonal Connections

If you put in a lot of effort to meet other people's expectations, you can find that you end up resenting those people. People may initially respect your generous nature, but they may come to take your consideration for granted after a while.

Those taking advantage of you might not even be aware of it. They have no doubt that you will show up anytime you are called upon to do so because all they know is that you are always willing to help out. Possibly, they are unaware of how much you are being asked to do.

Being Polite Vs. Trying Too Hard To Please Other People

Doing things for the sake of politeness and doing things to please other people are two whole different things. Kind acts are commonplace for many reasons, including the desire to improve one's own mood, the want to help others, the desire to gain favour, or the desire to return a favour. It's likely that you're attempting to satisfy other people if you do something because you're afraid of their reaction if you say no.

Tips To Stop People-Pleasing

Here's some good news: there are things you can do to stop being a people pleaser and start learning how to prioritise your own happiness alongside your desire to make other people happy.

Be Conscious Of The Fact That You Do Have A Choice

Even while it might feel like a reflex, you actually do have a say in the matter. Awareness is often the first step towards transformation.

Find Out What Your Priorities Are

It's much easier to say no to chances that aren't congruent with your goals in life when you have a firm grasp on your objectives and the types of people you want to spend your time with.

Learn How To Manoeuvre Through Anxiety.

When we let fear dictate our actions, we end up with the opposite of what we really want. Instead, we react to events on the spur of the moment and based on our gut feelings, which always ends up causing us more stress and anxiety. I found that when I learned to control my desire to make other people happy, my relationships with those closest to me, as well as the one I had with myself, became much more stable.

Set Your Boundaries

It may be helpful to view boundaries as the outward expression of one's inward love for oneself. Once you've decided what you're willing to do, communicate your demands kindly. As time goes on, it's natural for some of your relationships to change and for certain ties to drift away. Maintaining your place in line may be considerably less of a hassle if you have this knowledge at the ready.

Be Conscious Of The Fact That Avoiding Problems Does Not Encourage Personal Development.

Our natural inclination when confronted with difficulties is to act hastily and all at once in order to get rid of the difficulties and the distress they cause. To satisfy my craving for approval, I made it a point to do anything and everything in my power to ease even the slightest amount of suffering. In the long term, we will only make things more difficult for ourselves if we put off dealing with our problems and instead focus on getting rid of them as quickly as possible.

Set A Time Limit

Be sure to warn the other person you are about to leave the building when you pick up the phone. Make sure whomever you're hanging out with knows that you have to be back at your place by a certain time if you're going to be late.

Time blocking is useful for increasing efficiency since it allows you to stop everything you're doing to help someone else. It's like avoiding the predicament represented in the adage "give an inch, take a mile."

Think About The Possibility That You Are Being Manipulated

Don't ignore somebody who uses excessive flattery to get you to do something. However, it is also possible that they are trying to throw something off on you in the guise of a compliment that they don't want to do themselves.

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Create A Mantra

Having a motivational quote or mantra posted somewhere you'll see it often, like your bathroom mirror or as your phone's wallpaper, can provide a quick boost whenever you need it.

Get creative and try out these chants:

• Let me decline; it's fine with you.
• As a complete thought, "no" is sufficient in and of itself.
• If they reject my proposal, then I am free to accept it.
• Both the monkeys and the circus are off limits.
• No one has ever demanded an explanation for my choices or behaviour.
• My responsibility for time and energy management is mine alone.

Say Your "No" With Absolute Certainty.

It can be easy to say "maybe" or "I don't know" when asked whether you want to do something when you really don't want to do it, especially if you have a strong desire to please other people. Instead, give yourself some space by thinking of a quick and kind way to turn down the offer. If the idea of a direct rejection feels too decisive, try one of these instead:

Try saying:

• I'm sorry, but I can't make it.
• I'm sorry, but I can't take any more at this point.
• It looks like I won't be able to take part in that endeavour.
• I appreciate the recognition, but I think this is better handled by someone else.
• Thank you for considering me, however I have other plans for that day.

Stay Here Despite The Pain

People-pleasing is a coping mechanism that helps some people deal with the intense pain of being rejected, judged, abandoned, or feeling less-than-perfect. However, if you can learn to handle pain, it may have less of an impact on your decision-making.

Don't Come Up With A Long List Of Excuses.

If your boundaries are weak, more people will be able to influence you to modify your mind as you reveal more information. This is why it's important to use clear and definitive "no"s.

Start Small

Doing role-playing with a trusted friend, family member, or professional such as a therapist may be helpful. Pose questions that require negative responses from you. Try out new vocal tones, vocabulary, and physical gestures.

Using Successive Approximation Is A Good Practise

In other words, take heart. Even if you can't expect to entirely change your life in one sitting, you can take baby steps towards better mental health.

If It's Not Your Fault, You Shouldn't Apologise For It

You could feel compelled to apologise if one of your coworkers places an improper order at a restaurant you suggested because you were the one who ultimately made the decision to take them there. Another strategy is available. Use the following phrases:

• Say "I'm Sorry That Happened To You" Even if It's Not Your Fault If It's Really Not Your Fault.

Incorporate Uplifting Phrases To Yourself

It's crucial to convince the inner child that you're doing fine as you go through the process of unlearning. Say encouraging things to yourself over and over. Use the following phrases:

• "The value of my opinion matters."
• "I am loveable for 'being,' not doing."

Enjoy The Fruits Of Your Labour

Strenuous work is required to break free from people-pleasing. Many individuals won't join you in this endeavour because they don't want to put out the work or endure the discomfort that you are. Make sure you take some time to celebrate your accomplishments.

Maintain A Confidential File

Make a note in your phone of everything you're doing to stop feeling the need to please other people. From then on, bring it up whenever you're feeling like your confidence could use a boost.

It's Important To Keep In Mind That You Can't Please Everyone All Of The Time

There will always be some who question your motives or object to your actions. You can't please everyone. The judgement you make of yourself is the most significant one there is.